A Lecture by Alan Dershowitz to the Who Is IOZ? Community

Hi, I'm Alan Dershowitz. Did you know I was the youngest professor ever at Harvard. Well, I was. Until they hired that little Brooklyn math bitch, who, let's face it, is basically just a Doogie Howser type or a little man Tate, and probably still a virgin. Anyway, full professer: Dershowitz: 28 years of age. Suck on that, Finklestein, you putz.

Some people have accused me of supporting torture, when I have plainly stated on numerous occasions that I am totally opposed to it in all cases, unless of course it's done in the manners which I prescribe and openly acknowledged afterward. For instance, I would be OK with the CIA sticking sterilized needles under some Arab's fingernails, as long as the President came out the next day and made a speech explaining that he'd just stuck sterilized needles under some Arab's fingernails. And just to prove how long and hard I've thought about this, here is a ticking time bomb scenario that will scare the kuck out of you:

Recently, Israeli security officials confronted a ticking-bomb situation. Several days before Yom Kippur, they received credible information that a suicide bomber was planning to blow himself up in a crowded synagogue on the holiest day of the Jewish year. After a gun battle in which an Israeli soldier was killed, the commander of the terrorist cell in Nablus was captured. Interrogation led to the location of the suicide bomb in a Tel Aviv apartment. Israel denies that it uses torture and I am aware of no evidence that it did so to extract life-saving information in this case.

As you can see, torture was completely unnecessary in this case, which obviously goes to show just how necessary it would have been if it would have been necessary. That's the sort of thinking that gets you tenure at Harvard when you're only 28. Hard thinking. Fuck you, Chomsky, you faggot.

Anyway my point is this. Giuliani. Here's a guy who I can get behind, although not in a gay way. Why? Because he would be so willing to have someone else torture a guy that he would certainly also admit to having done it if it were tortured out of him. But of course that would never happen, because I am opposed to torture, as is Rudy. Meanwhile, Democrats have shown themselves totally unwilling to hypothetically endorse abhorrent practices that none of my examples have shown to be necessary based on a flimsy hypothetical construct that, let's face it, I cribbed from the movies and advocated because, after all, you can hardly get a reputation as an iconocalst by defending porno in the internet age. I mean, times are tough in publishing. These people want sales. Can you blame them? Anyway, who's gonna publish another liberal Jew yakking on about the first amendment and Deep Throat. Jesus, kids today don't even know what Deep Throat was. So yeah, maybe I'm only hawking this torture shit because the Journal pays a better per-word than The Nation. Whatever. Katrina van Nazi can suck my balls. I'm rich, bitch.