How Voting for Democrats is Like Going on a Coke Bender

We had a friend who lived in a small town outside of Pittsburgh, an elfin homo with the conjoined qualities of gossiping and taking grave personal offense when people spoke ill of him. Oh, the many overindulgent nights that ended in, "Fuck you faggots! I'm going back to Greensburg, and I'm taking the coke!"

Anyway, to paraphrase Chris Bowers, one of the higher soprani in the rather . . . elfin boys' choir that is the Donk Unterestablishment: Fuck you faggots! I'm going back to Greensburg, and I'm taking the coke!"

Let's not get ahead of ourselves. It begins with a Panegyric to Myself, a tour of tortured anaphora, to be set with counterpoint and sung in the key of pregnant frogs:

I am a Democrat. I am my own local precinct captain, and I hold a seat on the Pennsylvania Democratic State Committee. Over the past four years, I have helped raise millions of dollars for Democrats. I believe in the primary process and intra-party democracy as a means of resolving disputes within the American center-left coalition. I believe in endorsing whoever wins the majority support of the rank and file, no matter who that person may be, as long as it is the result of democratic deliberation within the coalition. The reason I do all of this is because I believe the Democratic Party is an essential institution that the American center-left must utilize in order to have all of its diverse voices heard and, after those disputes are resolved internally, to provide a united front against conservatives on the electoral stage.

It's a rare thing for such a chump to expose the basic flaw that dooms participatory democracy to inevitable, if rather milquetoast, tyranny, but I'll be damned. "I believe in endorsing whoever wins the majority support of the rank and file, no matter who that person may be, as long as it is the result of democratic deliberation within the coalition." Here you have a parliamentary process, a set of arbitrary procedural rules regularized by repetition and tradition, proposed as an antidote to belief, principle, responsibility, morality, personal ethics, intellectual committments . . . whatever you want to call them. So long as the session is properly called to order and the votes properly tallied, the guy will go along. But lest you think he's floating on the path of Defeatist Tao, he affirms his tireless dedication to getting whatever jackass burps out of the process, "no matter who that person may be," in order "to provide a united front against conservatives," who, to be fair, are engaged in their own worship of utter exigency as the nondetermining nondeterminent in this Godelian universe of Void and Nothingness. Fuck you, Lebowski. Vee believe in nothings.

Well, it gets better:

If the institution that exists to resolve disputes within the American center-left does not operate according to democratic principles, then I see no reason to continue participating within that institution. If that institution fails to respect democratic principles in its most important internal contest of all--nominating an individual for President of the United States--then I will quit the Democratic Party. And yes, I am perfectly serious about this. If someone is nominated for POTUS from the Democratic Party despite another candidate receiving more poplar support from Democratic primary voters and caucus goers, I will resign as local precinct captain, resign my seat on the Pennsylvania Democratic State Committee, immediately cease all fundraising for all Democrats, refuse to endorse the Democratic "nominee" for any office, and otherwise disengage from the Democratic Party through all available means of doing so.

You may note a bit of backdoor in all this oathmaking and avowing. The commission of lies begins with the omission of facts. I can't quite find any mention of not voting for the Democratic nominee in the general in this impressively repetetive, listificated snit. Come on, buddy. Give us another bump before you go. One for the road.