What. The. Fuck?
In honor of the WaPo's new editorial standards, I have composed the following essay for their Sunday Outlook section:
I Am Like So Totally Gay
So I am like so totally gay. Are you wearing that? Everyone is all like, Barack Obama, and I am just so not into it. I guess he's for gay marriage or something, or maybe he's not. Chris thinks he probably has the hugest dick ever, but I'm just like, if that were true, why would he want to be president.
Some people don't like gay people and say that we shouldn't be, you know, teachers and stuff because we'll corrupt children. They're probably right. I mean, not like children children, cause that's pretty sick, but I would probably fuck a high school senior if he was hot enough. I mean, obviously some gay teachers fuck high school seniors, or they wouldn't make so many porns about it. Same for gay doctors and stuff. I mean, if you had some really hot guy and he was your patient or whatever and he was really hung, would you really say that you wouldn't go down on him? That's all I'm saying.
I have this oen friend, Joey, and he's always trying to tell me that Leonardo and some greek dudes and a bunch of other famous people were big fags too and that means that gay people should be able to do whatever we want, which I guess is true if you're like Platocrates or whoever, but I think most of us would probably rather see if any of our friends were secretly posting on xtube. Just sort of like because that naturally interests us more.
Anyway whatever. I have to get ready to go out. Billy wants to get coke or something but I'm just going to get hammered because you can still fuck when you're drunk but there's like no cure for coke dick. So like, text me if you need anything. Laters!
28 comments:
I like this part:
the Johns Hopkins schools of medicine and public health revealed that women clocked 5.7 auto accidents per million miles driven, in contrast to men's 5.1, even though men drive about 74 percent more miles a year than women.
See, the first statistic is "per million miles driven", but the author thinks the fact that men drive more should skew the statistic even more in women's disfavor.
Just shows chicks can't do math.
Not really SteveB. There are situations where driving more miles would result in more accidents per mile. That's why people recommend taking periodic rests on long trips. It's not expanded upon in the article but the addition of that fact is still valuable towards highlighting the discrepancy.
Anyway, with respect to the "gay essay" I have to say... HUH? To be analogous it has to A) have its genesis in reality as reported by mainstream media and B) have a sense of being embarrassed by some subset of your own group.
Maybe I missed it but has there been any reporting that says gay men are like totally ignoring the political process because they're like too busy doing drugs and stuff? Otherwise what's the connection?
I thought the first part, at least, made a good point. It is pretty ridiculous that women are screaming "I love you!" and/or fainting at Obama speeches. That he panders to it and says "I love you back *wink*" is equally nauseating. What is this, a high school popularity contest? Sorry if you think it's elitist but people should sometimes take things a bit seriously or at least respectfully. God forbid they actually look at ISSUES instead of who is the sexiest candidate.
But I'm sure you'll leap to the defense of straight men when in 2064 we have an ex-supermodel running for president and men are chanting "Take it off! Take it off!" and some uptight conservative writes an article calling men barbaric.
You owe me a new keyboard.
jon,
you sound confused. can i get you a glass of water?
the theory that women as a whole are ignoring the political process based on anecdotal evidence of a few women who seem to find obama attractive -- well, it's very stupid stuff.
the piece was horrendous, and it uses tasteless stereotypes to paint 51% of the population as uniformly foolish. you seem to agree with this reasoning. well, sir, you are not "elitist", as you fear. you are, however, an asshole.
finally, "What is this, a high school popularity contest?"
yes, goddamnit. that's exactly what this is.
IOZ, that is so, like, totally teh AWESOMEST!
Clearly a product of that increasing trend of neo-feminists staying home to raise children I've heard so much about.
It's a contagion. WaPo seems to have caught it from Slate. Have you read the XX Factor Blog? Dahlia Lithwick like you've never seen her.
Jon:
Gotcha. So I hope you'll agree that this statement also
deserves a place on the Post op-ed page:
"The United States has a higher per capita income than China, even though China has more people."
I'm sure there's some way to justify that "even though", and I think you're just the guy to find it.
I'm calling tomorrow to say I won't be coming in to work on account of coke dick.
People avoiding the political process to do drugs should be commended as an example for all of us.
Women are as intelligent as men, but cluster more around the average. Mrs. Allen is a bit behind George Carlin and H. L. Mencken on how smart the average is.
The author, Charlotte Allen, was involved in a smear piece called Who Killed Antioch College for the Weekly Standard (I've been involved in the Save-Antioch movement). The basic gist of that article was that the reason Antioch failed was that the crazies ran off the big strong white male leadership. I hope that gives some idea of her conception of the world.
I hope that gives some idea of her conception of the world.
As soon as you mentioned the weekly standard it all became clear to me.
The psyops are getting so predictable. Can't they try a little harder?
No one gets to be on the editorial page of the Washington Post without being insanely ambitious. So the "don't mind me, I'm just a ditzy broad who stumbled on this gig" is a bit tired.
Damn, I was going to point out to jon that yes, this is a high school popularity contest, but anonymous beat me to it. Look at the (mostly male) national media fawning on war hero John McCain, or Mr. Yale Cheerleader Codpiece W Bush, or America's Mayor Benito Giuliani. The big flaw in Ms. Allen's piece is her assumption that men are more rational in such matters than women. No, straight men don't scream "I love you!", except at professional athletes, but that's not the only sign of irrationality in the world.
Since she apparently also did a little number for The Weekly Standard, I'm taking her to be the same Charlotte Allen who in 1998 published "The Human Christ: the search for the historical Jesus," a Roman Catholic's diatribe against all this newfangled modernism. (I mean, if the Vulgate was good enough for the Virgin Mary and Jesus, it's like totally good enough for me!) She mentioned there that the historian Morton Smith "published a startling monograph titled The Secret Gospel, which recast Jesus as a kind of bathhouse shaman who had initiated his (mostly male) disciples by means of late-night baptismal rituals featuring nudity and most probably sex." Shiver me timbers, matey! She has her facts totally fucked up here as in most of the book, but who needs facts when you have the Truth and the Holy Father on your side?
Well let me put it to you Jesus-historically: if a bunch of dudes only hang out together except for one chick who totally loves them all, the dudes are fagz and the chick's the hag. Nudity and sex! Jacques de Molay, vous êtes vengé!
you're using "war hero" ironically I trust promiscuous reader? personally I see him more as a war criminal.
I was prepared to believe that "Charlotte Allen" was a pseudonym until I read rowan's comment.
No way I figured any real woman could be that fucking stupid.
Jeebus the Wapo and Times doeth sucketh these days.
Oh, one more thing, the first comment in the Wapo piece pointed out that the photo used to accompany that rancid piece of scrotum crusties was from a Beatles scrum not an Obama rally.
Not that that kind of stuff matters anymore....
So, has the WaPo offered you a gig as a Style section regular, IOZ? I think you've hit exactly the "edgy" urban "hip" tone that marketing says the young people really like! Too bad that airhead bitch Dowd already has the niche up in NYC.
-- sglover
Well, yeah, IOZ, but that's just the point: Smith's "Secret Gospel" adds little to the general fagitude of Jesus and his Twelve Twinks 'n' Bears as we find 'em in the canonical gospels. (Speaking seriously, though, if you counted Jesus as gay on those grounds, you'd have to include every other rabbi of his day, and most religious teachers. The Buddha, f'rinstance. Could be; who knows?)
Yes, ran, I was using "war hero" ironically; that's how the corporate media jocksniffers see him.
One thing that occurred to me, though, is that to really answer Allen's piece, IOZ should've used not the voice of a twink, but of a mature manly bear-type, with twinkitude peeping out now and then between the "hot. grunt. man" stuff. I think that would be harder to do, but maybe I'll give it a try.
I thought Jesus would be, by nature, transgender.
Perhaps I'm thinking of transfigured? Sui generis!
Either way, it's been a long dry spell since Sunday school, my children.
Fr.Tom Truthful.
Thank you for cheering me up immensely, IOZ. It is always great to see gay men who are feminist allies.
Daily Howler also pointed out that if women have a slightly higher rate of accidents per miles driven, but a sharply lower rate of fatalities, the ladies might even be "better" drivers if you want to use "not killing people" as your criterion of excellence.
--hermitlobster
Jacke Malebranch will teach you faggots to harden the fuck up.
This is possibly the best response to Allen's op-ed ever. The only better thing would be a black blogger writing a post that goes on and on like, "Yo, I'm a motherfuckin' scary black dude, fo shizzle, and I'm gonna go kill me some bitch-ass white boys..."
but cluster more around the average.
Only true if you accept the Gospel of IQ, which itself is a good litmus test for lack of intelligence...
Sorry if you think it's elitist but people should sometimes take things a bit seriously or at least respectfully. God forbid they actually look at ISSUES instead of who is the sexiest candidate.
Now what on earth makes you think they're not looking at the issues? Just because they think Obama's sexy? I can call Obama a corporatist oligarch and still appreciate his sexy, sexy smile and how cute all his talk of "hope" and "change" is. But then, I'm a faggot.
tggp, I'm already hard. Jack Malebranche is my bitch. What could be faggier than that photo of his? Few things are more tiresome, or more "politically correct" than faggots reclaiming their masculinity.
Dennis Perrin has written more cogently about Coulter and the way libs dote on her transgressions. So have I.
And girlene, it's so old-hat to claim that when one throws around schoolyard taunts that they don't really mean what they say.
Only true if you accept the Gospel of IQ, which itself is a good litmus test for lack of intelligence
IQ is just one of many factors shaped by sexual dimorphism with males have significantly higher variation in reproductive fitness due to something of a "winner-take-all" system. I do accept the existence of intelligence as measured by IQ tests because of their predictive power. Attempts to devise alternatives to standard IQ tests either share most of their g-loading (and are thus similar) or hr have less predictive power. It might be argued that "intelligence is not wisdom", but wisdom as yet has no commonly accepted measurement (since the SAT/ACT/AFQT/Wonderlic and so on are highly g-loaded, I would say IQ tests are commonly accepted) of wisdom, so we do not know whether or not the statement is true or how we might go about verifying/falsifying it.
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