Masturdebate

It's hard because -- like many other Americans -- I am still angry at what I just witnesses, so angry that it's hard to even type accurately because my hands are shaking.

-Will Bunch

Ah my friends and oh my foes! The progressive heart is the most ceramic of muscles, forever shattering. Were Charlie Gibson and George Somethingopoulous embarrassing? Sure. But I love this idea that the largely substanceless proceedings somehow abrogated the possibility of a substantive discussion of "policy." Mr. Obama, what are your positions on the things that matter to America, like Taxes and the Economy and the War and Terrorism and the Border? Well, Gentlemen, my position is that America must pursue a path of debt-backed State Capitalism in the service of global hegemony while mouthing vague platitudes about rewarding companies that keep jobs in America and hitting poll-tested positive-associative words like hope and change as often as possible. Mrs. Clinton, what are your positions on the things that matter to America, like Taxes and the Economy and the War and Terrorism and the Border? Well, Gentlemen, my position is that we must never allow the debt-backed State Capital economy to falter in order to maintain our global hegemon, because the regular people who aren't elitists like my opponent want someone who will make sure to use poll-tested, strenght-associative words like experience and prepared as often as possible. Thank you, and good night.