The Fluffy White Kitten walks into the kitchen and says, "IOZ, do we have any milk?"
"Milk!" I exclaim, and I throw myself underneath the kitchen table and clutch the butterknife in my whiteknuckled hand. "What do you want milk for?"
"Uh," says the Fluffy White Kitten, "I'm a thirsty kitten."
"How can I be certain that you're going to use that milk for drinking and not turn it against me?" I ask.
"I'm not sure how I would turn it against you, IOZ. I mean, I'm just a kitten. It's not like I have the capacity to poison it. I'm just a tiny kitten without opposable thumbs, and you're a big wealthy human with the ability to use complex tools."
"Oh-ho!" I cry, "So you admit that you have the intention of poisoning my milk and just lack the capacity at the present time! Well, I'm not going to stand by and let you develop the capacity to destroy me and my life."
"IOZ," replies the exasperated Fluffy White Kitten, "It would take tens of thousands of years of feline evolution at least, if it were possible at all, and who knows what the relationship between fluffy kittens and people will be at that point. I'm just saying for now, I'm thirsty and I want a little milk."
"Three to five years," I say.
"What?" asks the Kitten.
"I think that you could poison me in three to five years, based on current estimates."
"Whose current estimates?"
"Mine," I say. "They're my estimates."
"Based on what?"
"What do you mean, based on what?" I snap. "They're estimates. Duh."
"Look, IOZ, I'm just going to get a little milk, and then I'll leave you alone," says the Kitten, making her way toward chair that she uses to jump onto the counter.
"Kitten, if you make one more move toward that milk, I'm going to have to stab you with this butter knife!" I shout.
"IOZ, if you come at me with that knife, I'm going to scratch you," rejoins the Fluffy White Kitten.
"I knew it!" I yell. "I saw through your intentions all along!"
20 comments:
Look, today CNN is all a-twitter with news about the Iranians testing some medium-range missiles. Need I remind you that when HITLER had his V-2's, he lobbed them at London?!?! QED, dude.
-- sglover
Scared of a little pussy eh?
That's hot (and you've been nailing everything lately).
Drudge has a BIG, RED headline about Iran having the ability to hit Israel with a missile now. Maybe kill a couple hundred people if they got luckier than Hussein ever did with his Scuds. Interesting that the headline is never: Israel Capable of Ending All Life in the Mid-East on a Whim with Nuclear Weapons.
oh how i've missed the fwk.
Hey man, you forgot the part when the kitty says it wants to wipe the dog off the face of the map.
is that Paint?
Thank you. The return of the Fluffy White Kitty brightened my day.
Spot on as usual.
Prof.
Paint it is. The border, alas, I cannot claim credit for, but I sought to maintain a certain Classical unity of form.
"Hey man, you forgot the part when the kitty says it wants to wipe the dog off the face of the map."
The kitty never said that though. That was a figment of kitty-phobics imaginations.
Speaking of CNN twittering on things Persian: U.S. exports to Iran grew more than tenfold during President Bush's years in office even as he accused it of nuclear ambitions and sponsoring terrorists... surprising shipments during the Bush administration: brassieres, bull semen, fur clothing, sculptures, perfume, musical instruments and military apparel.
I wonder if those all went to the same place? Must have been some party.
IOZ,
Try as you might to hide it, your basic Islamofelinism is showing.
I can haz détente?
You need to send a clear message to your little kitty. No use talking to it about's its intentions.
People that think messages are communicated by sentences, constructed using precise rules of syntax, imagine falsely that the recipients of these syntactically constructed objects actually acquire new information.
Nonsense, unless you are trying to convey mathematics. Effective communication requires a distinct kinematic component. These components could be high speed projectiles or rapidly expanding gases. In the case of your kitty, for instance, your effective communication could consist of a projectile whose momentum was imparted to it by a swinging motion of your arm. That's very clear and effective.
There are, unfortunately, certain downsides to this approach, which all effective communicators should be aware of. Your kitty might erroneously interpret your communication and may lurch at you and tear your eyeballs out.
good Take on the situation.Accurate and incisive.Now what?
wudowedoooooooooo???????????
nothing....or, perhaps, drive slowly. jk
all ya gotta do is take that low grade coke that solidifies in humidity and dry it the fuck out with some heat lamps (or with your moms hair dryer if your not into the whole brevity thing). sure you may look cool putting it up your nose but we all know its been cut a half a dozen times with medicated gold bond so why not just put it where it belongs. come on guys, think about how trendy shoving overpriced zinc oxide up your butt could be!!!
"fuck it brah lets frat some bond"
fratty bros across the universe would rejoice and all claim that they used to put it in their hair before they stumbled upon their anus. wooo
mtraven, I noticed that in the Int'l Herald Tribune and it gave me deja vu. It was buried on Page 13 or some such. The front page had a story on how dangerous Iran could be.
Wow, where could I have experienced similar types of news stories and placements in the Times about, oh, six years ago.
Is Judith back at the Times yet?
BTW FWK Rulz!
Philistine that I am, I never thought that was your best bit. You hit it this time, though.
This is good. Of course you had help with the innate cuteness of kittens.
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