I suppose it won't come as news to anyone that much-beloved storybook character Jesus "Kinch" Christ was totally bonkers, a charismatic cultist who obliged his equally nutty followers to give up all their earthly possessions, abandon their families and homes, and join him on the mothership trailing in the icy tail on the lee side of the Hale-Bopp comet. He Himself couldn't quite make up his mind what he stood for. He spent half his time helping whores and the homeless find their Body Thetans, tying daisy chains for his hair, and singing Peter Paul & Mary numbers, and the other half haranguing his groupies for the insufficient commitment to divisiveness and spiritual violence:
Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven. But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven. Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household. [Matthew: 32-36]Yo that shit's crazy yo! So then I read Jim Wallis, a latter-day, leftische huckster of the Good News, following up on a spat with notorious root vegetable Glenn Beck, opining that
Jesus said that we should love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. So whatever Beck does, Christians who want to follow Jesus should not personally attack Beck but, rather, should pray for him, for the poor and for our country, which is being harmed by an increasingly poisonous public discourse.Well, it's true that Jesus said that, sort of, but he also said that he would, you know, deny those fuckers their place in heaven, that not only would he fail to intercede on their behalf with Sky Dad, but that he would, literally Joe Biden, cast them into an eternal torture chamber where they'd be consumed "body and soul." Speaking of poisonous discourse. So all that turn-the-other-cheek shit, that was basically Diamond J telling his boiieeeze not to pop a nigga and bring the heat but don't worry son I got your back you know what I'm sayin? Can't just be a brawler gotta be smart, son. Aight?
I mean, pray for Glenn Beck? Pray for him to what? To die? To molt that obviously painful exoskeleton and free his constricted thorax? To finally lose his virginity? What the fuck is praying going to do? Shit, Wallis, you better pray that Fox cancels his goddamn contract, because that's the only thing that's going to shut him up. Oh, what, wait, you thought his shit is for real? Brother, you Christians will believe anything.