Thursday, August 11, 2011
WASHINGTON - Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta told reporters today that the Pentagon had successfully eliminated the underlying problems in the global economy. He did not explain how the military had been able to find and identify these problems, but assured the reporters that his commanders were "highly confident" about the identity of their targets.
Using "tips and local intelligence" along with unmanned surveillance, the military was able to track these issues back to their hideout near the introduction of coinage as a means of exchange. After first ensuring that civilians had been evacuated from the area, drones fired several Hellfire missiles. At least one of their targets has forged documents that suggested he intended to flee in the direction of an abstract fiat-backed system of unsecured legal tender.
"If he had been successful," said Panetta, "it is unlikely we would have ever found him."
The White House made no official comment, although one official who asked not to be named because he had no knowledge of the events which transpired, said that he had heard that the President may have been pleased by the news.
House Speaker John Boehner praised the military success but was cautious in his assessment of its overall impact. Some military experts echoed this caution. One Army colonel who asked to remain anonymous due to his request to remain anonymous, said, "Really, we are taking a long look at the moment of complex language acquisition. Some people would be happy with the agrarian revolution, but we do not want to go for half-measures now and be stuck here for another 10,000 years."