WASHINGTON - Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta told reporters today that the Pentagon had successfully eliminated the underlying problems in the global economy. He did not explain how the military had been able to find and identify these problems, but assured the reporters that his commanders were "highly confident" about the identity of their targets.
Using "tips and local intelligence" along with unmanned surveillance, the military was able to track these issues back to their hideout near the introduction of coinage as a means of exchange. After first ensuring that civilians had been evacuated from the area, drones fired several Hellfire missiles. At least one of their targets has forged documents that suggested he intended to flee in the direction of an abstract fiat-backed system of unsecured legal tender.
"If he had been successful," said Panetta, "it is unlikely we would have ever found him."
The White House made no official comment, although one official who asked not to be named because he had no knowledge of the events which transpired, said that he had heard that the President may have been pleased by the news.
House Speaker John Boehner praised the military success but was cautious in his assessment of its overall impact. Some military experts echoed this caution. One Army colonel who asked to remain anonymous due to his request to remain anonymous, said, "Really, we are taking a long look at the moment of complex language acquisition. Some people would be happy with the agrarian revolution, but we do not want to go for half-measures now and be stuck here for another 10,000 years."
10 comments:
TONIGHT on the Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer! Will this week's success with the War on the Economy embolden our financial enemies? Daniel Pipes, Michael Goldfarb and Maureen Down live in the studio, plus viewer e-mails.
This is a scary economic moment. The response we need is not easy, but it is totally obvious. We need a Grand Bargain between America’s two parties — and we need it right now. Until you read the following news article, we’ll be stuck in a world of hurt.
lol.
i never type that.
Panetta also added "it was a Kinetic strike."
This is just another example of the Pentagon's wrong-headed tactics in the Long War. We need a permanent and large-scale counter-insurgency presence in major urban settlements to win the hearts and minds of the people.
Even striking at complex-language acquisition isn't enough. Facts on the ground show that tool-use is the origin of resistance; we need root and branch reform of homo sapiens before we can withdraw.
THE REAL ENEMY IS ACROSS THE BORDER IN ATLANTIS!
The more you tighten your grip the more economic systems will slip through your fingers!
The Onion sort of did it first.
In related news, a Pentagon spokesthing said "We have met the enemy and he is us. Bombing begins in fifteen minutes."
Milo Minderbinder, guys, Milo Minderbinder.
Taken to the nth degree ...
McCottonballs
Post a Comment